JUST FUCKING USE PHP

SO, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS ABOUT?

This is about acknowledging that PHP just fucking works. While you're busy configuring your seventeenth build tool, setting up Docker containers for a todo app, and arguing about tabs vs spaces in your Rust Discord server, some "boomer" PHP developer just shipped three fucking features and went home to have dinner with their family.

This is a love letter to the most battle-tested, widely-deployed, and pragmatic language on the planet. The language that says "fuck your type theory debates, let's build something that makes money."

WHY THE FUCK WOULD I USE THAT "LEGACY" DINOSAUR LANGUAGE?

Because you want to actually fucking deploy something this decade without a PhD in DevOps, you overcomplicated buffoon.

"BUT THE FUNCTION NAMES ARE INCONSISTENT!" - CRY ME A FUCKING RIVER

str_replace vs strpos? array_map vs usort? Oh no, you have to occasionally look at the docs! The fucking horror! How ever will you survive?!

You know what else is inconsistent? JavaScript's typeof null === 'object'. Python 2 vs Python 3. Every goddamn version of Angular. But sure, let's shit on PHP for having function names that were created by different contributors over 30 years of organic language growth.

Guess what, princess? Modern IDEs have autocomplete. Your precious VSCode will literally type the function for you. If you're still memorizing function names like it's 1999, maybe the problem isn't PHP – it's your stubborn refusal to use tools that have existed for the last fucking decade.

// Oh no! I have to type "str" and press Tab!
// My career is ruined! /s

$result = str_replace('old', 'new', $string);
$position = strpos($string, 'needle');

// Wow that was so hard I need therapy

SECURITY? PHP IS ACTUALLY BATTLE-HARDENED, YOU PARANOID TWAT

"PHP has security vulnerabilities!" screams the developer using 847 npm packages, 12 of which have critical CVEs they'll never know about because they're nested seven dependencies deep.

Modern PHP frameworks like Laravel and Symfony have security baked in:

• CSRF protection - Automatic token validation, you don't even have to think about it
• SQL injection prevention - Parameterized queries by default with Eloquent/Doctrine
• XSS protection - Automatic output escaping in Blade/Twig
• Password hashing - password_hash() uses bcrypt by default since PHP 5.5, you ancient fucking dinosaur hater
• Prepared statements - PDO has had this since 2005. Two thousand and fucking five.

The security issues you're thinking about are from PHP 4 code written by amateurs in 2003. Judging modern PHP by that is like judging modern JavaScript by the code that made popups and falling snowflakes on GeoCities pages. Grow the fuck up.

MODERN PHP IS FUCKING BEAUTIFUL, YOU OUTDATED HATER

Still picturing PHP as <?php echo $row['username']; ?> sprinkled in HTML like a fucking seasoning? That's your problem, not PHP's. You're judging a Porsche by the Model T.

PHP 8+ has:

// Named arguments - fuck positional parameter hell
htmlspecialchars(string: $text, double_encode: false);

// Constructor property promotion - less boilerplate than your precious TypeScript
class User {
    public function __construct(
        public readonly string $name,
        public readonly string $email,
        private DateTimeImmutable $createdAt = new DateTimeImmutable(),
    ) {}
}

// Match expressions - switch statements that don't suck
$result = match($status) {
    'active' => 'User is active',
    'pending' => 'Awaiting approval',
    'banned' => 'Get fucked',
    default => 'Unknown status',
};

// Attributes - Decorators but actually good
#[Route('/api/users', methods: ['GET'])]
#[Authenticate]
public function getUsers(): JsonResponse { }

// Null-safe operator - null checks without the bullshit
$country = $user?->address?->country?->name;

// Enums - finally, and they're fucking great
enum Status: string {
    case Active = 'active';
    case Pending = 'pending';
    case Banned = 'banned';
}

// Fibers - async without callback hell
// Union types, intersection types, static return types...
// The list goes on, you ignorant bastard

PHP 8.4 just dropped with property hooks, asymmetric visibility, and more features that'll make your "PHP is outdated" take look even fucking dumber than it already does.

PERFORMANCE THAT'LL MAKE YOUR NODE.JS FANBOY TEARS DRY UP

PHP 8 with JIT compilation is so fucking fast it'll make your head spin. We're talking performance improvements that shit on your "JavaScript everywhere" architecture.

Laravel with Octane can handle thousands of requests per second on a single server. Swoole and RoadRunner give you async capabilities that'll make your Express.js setup look like a fucking joke.

And the best part? PHP's share-nothing architecture means memory leaks are practically impossible. Your Node.js server that needs a restart every 6 hours because of memory bloat? PHP doesn't know her.

SO, WHEN SHOULD YOU JUST FUCKING USE PHP?

• When you want to ship something this year instead of debating architecture
• When you need cheap, reliable hosting without cloud certification
• When you want a massive talent pool to hire from
• When you need backwards compatibility that won't break every minor version
• When you're building any fucking web application ever - APIs, CMSs, e-commerce, SaaS
• When you value pragmatism over purity
• When you want frameworks like Laravel that make development a goddamn pleasure
• When you need something that'll still work in 10 years without major rewrites

THE REAL FUCKING PROBLEM

The real problem isn't PHP. It's YOU, you trend-chasing, Hacker News-addicted, conference-talk-watching sheep.

You've been conditioned to think that if a technology is more than 5 years old, it's "legacy." You think complexity equals sophistication. You believe that if you're not using the newest, shiniest framework, you're somehow a lesser developer.

But you know what the best developers understand? Boring technology that works is infinitely better than exciting technology that doesn't. PHP is boring. PHP is "uncool." And PHP has been quietly powering the internet while you were busy rewriting your todo app in Rust.